I love you because I love you

I have been waiting for the day when my little girl could write words on paper.  I have been waiting with excitement for the milestone, but more as a relief that if she needs to communicate one day more than the limits that her body may put on her, there is a way.

We have been waiting so long to hear flowing words, because we feared for a long while that she would never speak.  Daily therapy, program after program, hundreds of dollars on books and headphones, careful choices in play dates and verbal situations paid off when her school agreed that she could go ahead and enter the first grade.  The words started to flow in a manner that was painful to let her finish.  I wanted to just finish them for her, because I hated hearing her struggle and I probably would have done so if she wasn't so proud of her new vocabulary as am I.  I'll listen to her stumble for close to an hour and sometimes I'm not even sure what she's talking about, but when we lay in bed together at night before she drifts off we are just a couple of old hens exchanging some laughs.

We also worried that she couldn't understand us when she was young, because of the lack of response.  We were unsure of which way it could go too... she was just a kid with sparkly eyes and a big smile.  So many questions turned into absolute and full surrender by my husband and myself.  Giving up on the why and putting all of our energy in the "let's just do this, baby."

In the news of Sandy Hook, having a first grader and a kindergartner at the same school, I am in absolute absence of feeling.  I packed my kids bags that morning with the feeling that no matter how hard this is on all of us, I am still packing their bag and will bring them back at the end of the day. When I placed the lunch bag in Gianna's school bag, I found this note from last week inside.

It's the exact thing I have always wanted for her.  Words on paper.  Words that can describe how she really feels inside.  What I read was exactly what I needed to hear on this rainy morning.  Sometimes disabilities can be confused with anger and violence and we've worked very hard to make it known that what you might see on the outside, is not always what is happening on the inside.  When she was small, she wasn't always a ray of sunshine, because she felt trapped and confused.  The anxiety must have been so overwhelming that rigid routines and certain behaviors made her comfortable and at ease, so we battled it with love and support.  We made it well known that she was fighting a battle, so that others could give her a chance and not live in fear and shame of a child with a need.

The girl we know now is happy to miss a soccer season or a piano lesson or karate or whatever it is fills the time slots of many of her peers, because she knows she has to "exercise her brain" to get to where she needs to be.  She spends extra hours working on speech, writing and reading because she loves to see how hard work can pay off.   I can't wait to see what life has to offer someone who works this hard out of pure desire and after last week's tragedy, I hope that God has it in her cards to give that chance to all of us.

The news of Sandy Hook hurt so badly because I'm in the middle of 6 and knowing how hard it was to get here... and to have it all thrown away would be beyond words.  One of the students died in the arms of his aide - the people who tirelessly give extra support to kids without making them stand out.  On paper, that's us.  I can't even imagine that sort of pain... we can only hope for comfort and peace.  Gianna's words on paper are the words of so many children her age.  They love us because they love us and may those children rest forever in innocence.