Dad The Almighty Awesomeness

My husband always asks where all the posts are about him. He usually continues on a tirade themed in self promotion, topped with phrases like, "who is the one providing all of this wonderfulness?" Even during the delivery of my oldest daughter, he exclaims, "What would you guys be doing without me here?" while he was (in his words) "holding a wing."

It usually gets a response something like this:
"Most people assume it's you writing posts, talking with mothers, sewing quilts and writing thank you letters.  I should actually be quite embarrassed taking credit."

Because... well... that's the kind of relationship we have ;)  Then I usually hear about how he's the rainmaker around here and on and on until we are sick of each other's rantings.

But it's true. We tend to forget about Dad sometimes, because most of us are the ones in the daily trenches, taking a beating from the kids and at the same time, getting all of the rewards.  I talk with a lot of families and we've all been through it at some time or another... feeling like you are the one carrying all of the load.  And for many NICU and special needs and medical needs families... those bags are dam heavy.

For families in those situations... most of the time the primary caregiver knows the medical routine, the doses, the appointment times and date, the IEP details, the therapist's name from three years ago that we had for 2 weeks, and the names of all the doctors at every hospital.  Most of the time they are the ones who can "speak" the language of the child without an interpreter and rarely become frustrated about it.  Primaries take a lot on, but get a lot back in return too.

That giant smile at school at pick up when I'm spotted by my kid belongs to me, but
I'm the one whose fault it is when they can't focus in the morning to get ready to leave.
I get the first hug of the day and, most of the time, the last, but
Soothing nightmares, changing sheets at 3am and midnight bathroom trips are my glorious job.
Painting little fingers and toes for special occasions is a memory in the making, but
Cutting 80 kid nails (more if you count the cat) per week is also in my job description.
Seeing a "100%" marked across a math test makes my heart melt,
but I'm the one who spent daily hours preparing supplemental work so that we don't fall behind.
I'm the one who understands every thought even though only a few words were spoken,
but I'm the one who has to remind her that we need to start over because I want to hear all of the wonderful things she has to share.

You get it... I get it... most days anyway.  But where is Dad?

Even in the NICU... the doctor visits... the 100 therapists we've had... the IEP meetings... parent teacher meetings??? and on and on... WHERE IS DAD?????

Hopefully he's sacrificing on his end too.  I gave up my job, because I had to.  But I was lucky to have the opportunity to do so without serious consequences. He's working.  What would we do without insurance? What would we do without a lot of things that are provided for us? We'd have a lot MORE to worry about, that's what.

Dad doesn't get all the smiles and all the memories.  Dad doesn't know which schedule goes with what kid and what their favorite daily color is.  He gets to step in and out and enjoy the little things and the big things better than Mom, but only if he wants to and most of the time they slip in to that role perfectly.  By taking those moments and realizing how small their window is, hopefully they use to wisely.  No one gets to throw a child into the air like Dad... No one gets to say, "hand me the ratchet" quite like Dad.  No one makes a breakfast sandwich quite like Dad (sometimes Mom gets one of those too).  Most importantly, no one gets to introduce a daughter or a son to what kind of guy they should be looking for in life or what kind of man they may want to emulate quite like Dad can.  The big picture paints Dads as our giant family umbrellas.  And a lot of the time, it's raining.

It doesn't always matter who "Dad" is either... Dad's the person who has decided to give up a lot of small moments and big ones, for the better of their family.  They are in the shadows, not out of choice, but because they know we need them there.  "Dads" are brave, teaching by example and very, very much a part of our daily lives than we give them credit for.

So ... to our "Dad".... thank you.  I see you - we all see you.  When you're asked to step up to the plate, you always deliver.  And to answer your question from 2006, 

"Yes! What would we be doing without you here???" 

Nina and Lina... Judith and Jen

In 2007, a nurse slipped me a piece of paper with a phone number and email address on it.  It belonged to my neighbor, Judith.  Neither of us were allowed to leave our rooms nor the monitors.  I wondered what she looked like, how big her belly was and even what her room looked like.  I wondered if she was in pajamas or hospital gown.  Whatever made the time pass faster really.  We "spoke" on email and most days on hospital phones, but we had never officially met face to face.

On a Sunday morning, my husband and I heard a scream from a woman in the hallway of the bed rest unit.  I knew it had to be Judith from the sound of her voice.  There was a rush of chaos, followed by complete silence for a long time. Hippa kept anyone from talking to me.  It was a blow to me personally.

Over those weeks, we shared a lot of things.  We were both pregnant with triplets, both of our mother's names were "Rosemary" and we both grew up Italian.  We baked pizzelles, we watched the same shows, had a tendency to cuss, and we shared the same worry and waiting that we knew was coming.  The doctors thought it was going to be me that went first and that every day was a blessing for me right down to the hour.   Somehow I had heard that her babies were alive and in the NICU and it gave me hope, because she delivered at the cusp of vitality at 24 weeks gestation and I was then just a few days ahead of her now in my pregnancy.

After my own children were born and I was able to walk through the NICU to visit, I saw a girl with long dark brown hair walking towards me.  I knew it had to be her.  She must have had the same feeling, because she walked right up and introduced herself.  And then she introduced her daughters.  I watched them as they held their babies a few days later, while I was left still unable to hold the one daughter that I had left with me.  I remember taking their picture as my heart sunk into my shoes.  Judith holding one and her husband holding another.  Those feelings quickly passed as I was equally happy that they weren't in my shoes.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Over the past 6 years we shared the most beautiful and the most excruciating experiences together.  Things didn't exactly turn out in our favors... in fact, we kept getting kicked even when we were down.  And then kicked some more.  We cherish the gift of friendship and we've moved past the reasons we originally met.  We continue to learn that we share so many other things in common and that we are still so close, yet so far away from those days on bed rest. We have truly found a friend in one another.

 

Former roomies, Nina and Adelina (Age 6)

Happy Birthday Nina, Angel Livia, Angel Georgia... Adelina, Angel Sofia & Angel Vincent.  And to my oldest daughter, Gianna, who spent her 1st birthday with me the day after the babies were born eating cake out of a foil container, wearing khakis and a white onsie (aka a baby wife beater) with not a single picture of you taken that day... Happy birthday sweetheart.

People always tell Judith and I that we are only given what we can handle.  Maybe it's true... maybe not.  But having someone to handle the bad times with you is quite the lucky draw.  I'm sure either of us would drop each other like a bad habit to have those children running around our homes, but we are in this together.

We've ALL come a long way Baby! Thank you Judith and Nina... and Jason and Tessa.

Adelina & Nina about 5 months old at their first play date

Nina, Adelina (age 1) trying to hold Lucia

Gianna, Lucia, Adelina & Nina (Age 2)

PJ Play Date Adelina & Nina (Age 3)

Adelina & Nina in the March of Dimes Walk (Age 4)

Gianna, Nina, Lucia & Adelina (Age 5)